I’ve been told throughout my life that I have a way with words. That I can transform them into emotions with elegance and heart. But I’ve just recently come to realize that I can only do this through written communication. When it comes to speaking out loud I can come off as a babbling fool.
So I’ve been trying to figure out why it comes so naturally to me to be able to share my thoughts and feelings when I’m writing, but struggle with forming a cohesive sentence when talking with someone face-to-face. And what I’ve come up with is when I write I am able to process my thoughts before they come out.
I’m literally able to filter the dumb thoughts or comments before speaking.
But I started to question what that means. Am I being more truthful when I stop and think before speaking, or when I just let things come out as my mind is still processing? In my heart I believe the filtered message is what is my honest thoughts, because when I speak poorly of others I feel ashamed and sad.
I’m not in a place yet where I have surrendered my life to God and can speak to others with no judgement. I know this is a place that I want to get to, but for now I’m still working on letting go of the past. I know there are steps that I need to take to get there, but I’m working on them one day at a time, a relatively new concept to this hardcore planner.
I need to put God back into my life as my top priority. Before I can fix my communication with others, I have to be able to speak to Him. Prayer is something that I do, but not with confidence. I know there is no “wrong way” to talk to God, but every time I do I feel like I am messing it up. How can I speak to others when I can’t even speak to the One who I know never judges me?
So I’m challenging myself to pray more often. And to pray out loud. And to find my outer voice and build the confidence I need to speak to others.
I, ashamedly, struggle with communication with my wife. I have always believed that I needed to be this strong, masculine person in her life who always had everything figured out and was always there to hold the family together. So I would bury my emotions. Deep down. And in doing so I pushed down the guidance that He was giving me. I pushed Him away and allowed the sin to fill the void. And you know which emotions seem to never be able to be pushed aside? Anger. And fear. And negativity.
But I don’t have it all figured out. I’m not SUPPOSED to have it all figured out. I’m supposed to share my feelings with others and I’m supposed to let God work through them and to help me process the things I can’t do on my own.
I’m not meant to be the strong, masculine person. I carry a lot of emotion. A lot of deep emotion. But I’m starting to learn that I need to let that part of me out. Because it’s who I truly am.
I need to cry more. And I need to cry to others more. I need to let those I love know I love them. I, just today, told my two best friends (hey guys, yeah I’m using all the words now) that I loved them and how much they mean to me. Did I just come to this realization? No, it happened awhile ago. But I was so fearful of running them off or being too intrusive in their lives that I never shared that with them. How ridiculous is that?
And do you know what happened? They told me they loved me back. And do you know what that does to a person?
Why today? Well, for one I listened to a service that one of them gave at their local church, and it was profoundly impactful. Guess what it talked about? Yeah, loving one another. Coincidence? I’m quickly learning that that word is one of evil. There are no coincidences. And two I’m learning that not speaking openly and telling people the things I am feeling is hiding a piece of myself.
I talked in my last post about how I can no longer communicate with people in my life, including my family. Do I want this relationship where I can’t speak to them? Absolutely not. Is it a permanent thing? Absolutely not. Once I clear my heart for good, I want to rebuild my relationships with all those in my life that I have hurt or that I struggle to speak with. But I need to be in a place where I am speaking with LOVE. I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I want people to know me, the new me, as a person of love, who walks a strong path with the Lord. Who does not speak ill of others and loves them unconditionally. And I know that day is not far away.
And I need to get to a place where I can speak to my wife the same way that I speak to my closest friends. It is so easy for me to share with them so much of my life and my story (and I do share, a lot). But I know I’m not being judged by them. And I know they have no reason to doubt the things I’m saying. And I know I don’t have to be a certain type of person for them.
I need to do the same with my wife. I need to let her in and share my emotions. Cry to her, and with her. Pray with her. Give her back a piece of myself that I pulled away from her so long ago because I was fearful of being judged by her and falling short of an expectation I put on myself, not one she put on me.
I know, I’m an idiot, right?
Wrong. I was stupid for so long but I am not the person I used to be. If you thought you knew me 6 months, 1 year, or several years ago, come and get to know me again. I’m not the person I was before and I’m never going back there again.
My wife and I spoke for hours this morning. And it felt so good to be vulnerable to her and to admit to her that I know I’ve gone about things wrong in the past but I want them to be different moving forward.
I am moving forward with LOVE in my heart. And I will be open about it.
I am working on building my communication with God and my wife. Once I get there I will be ready to start a NEW chapter with those I had to walk away from.
And I will continue to be open and share my life with those who are choosing to walk beside me on this path I am on. My community is growing; and it is truly such a blessing.
I know I have sinned and I know I will sin in the future as I am human. But I also know that Your Son died for my sins so that I can be forgiven. I ask that You walk with me as I clear my heart of the anger, judgement and fear and fill that void with love instead. I want to love ALL others, as You have done for me.
I pray that You please watch over all those in my life, especially those going through personal troubles. Let them find guidance and love through You.
I thank You, Lord, for being patient as I found my way back to You. And I thank You for bringing people into my life who taught me that it is okay to love again.
I pray to one day soon be washed away of my sins again, of my own doing this time, and walk anew on a path with a loving heart surrendered to You.
Please continue to look after my family and those I love and bring peace to their lives.